he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
