the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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