Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
