i wish my penis had a tongue
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
