I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
