You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
