Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
