Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
