does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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