he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
