Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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