I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
