oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
