Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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