Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
