It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
