just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
