i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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