i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
