that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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