First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
