My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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