I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
