I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
