remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
