I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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