you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize