You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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