sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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