he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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