I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
