let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
