I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
