I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
