You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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