We won't sleep together?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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