i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
