Are we in a gay sports bar?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
