we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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