just tell him i said nine months
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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