my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
