the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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