Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
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