No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
