I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize