I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
