I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
