The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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