i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
