i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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