If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
