he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
