shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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