dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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