I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
