So drunk its hurt
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dicks are not precious.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
