TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
