You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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